Here we are again on another Black Friday. Most of us have recovered from stuffing ourselves with delicious turkey, mashed potatoes, mac & cheese and more the day before..and now we’re about to partake in one of the most American things you can possibly do…shopping.
Yes, it’s that time of year again where businesses offer their “doorbusters” and “special savings”, and all that other marketing bullshit that gets the general populace whipped up in a frenzied buying rage.
So there’s a pretty good chance you’re going shopping today. For some, it’s a necessary evil. We get it (we don’t get going on Thanksgiving day right after dinner though..that’s pretty whack. Is it really that hard to wait till Friday?).
So assuming it’s a necessary evil that you need to partake in this holiday season, we’ve compiled a short list of do’s and dont’s for you. Follow these, and you’ll have an easy-breezy, fairly enjoyable experience. Don’t follow them…and you might just get crushed by someone trying to haul three flatscreens out of Best Buy. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
– Shop Online
This is the easiest way to have a successful and stress-free Black Friday. You don’t even need to leave the crib. You can just hop on your computer and get whatever you need. Skip the parking. Skip the lines. Skip being around a bunch of stressed-out people (hint: that’ll make you stressed out too). Get what you need from your computer, and keep it pimping. The online sales are usually better anyway. Where are you going to find a brick and mortar store that’s giving you 50% off everything they have in their inventory like Packer Shoes is doing? Nowhere, son.
-Be Polite and Cordial
Black Friday is a stressful day. As mentioned in the “shop online” segment above, you’re likely going to be around a large number of people that are stressed out, so it’s important to keep your cool and be polite. If you have to venture out, don’t get sucked into the fuckery and start acting like the world is coming to an end. It’s just sales after all. Life will go on. And most importantly, PLEASE be kind to the workers at whatever establishment you might be patronizing. They’ve likely had to work ridiculously long shifts and deal with an overwhelming amount of people who were acting like dicks in the name of feeding into shameless capitalism…and there’s a good chance they were working on Thanksgiving too. Give them a smile, and treat them with the utmost respect. They’ll appreciate it greatly, and you’ll earn yourself some good karma.
-Take Care Of Gifts First
Don’t be greedy. Sure, you can buy yourself another TV, or that super-awesome popcorn maker you just saw, or some random trinket that you’d never heard of before but damn it, it’s on such a good sale that you have to have it. Take care of your gifts first. If there’s a silver lining to Black Friday, it’s that you can get solid gifts for friends and family members on the cheap. Get them checked off your list first…and then you can be selfish and go hog wild on yourself if you choose to after that. Remember what Uncle Snoop taught you: it ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none.
-Brag About How Much Money You Spent
Newsflash: nobody gives a shit about how much you cashed out, how many racks you dropped, or how many commas you might have fucked up during your shopping trip. Oh, you bought three TV’s, a laptop and some new cookware?? Good for you. You got a new washer and drier set and twenty movies for your new Blu-Ray player? Whoop de damn doo. Keep it to yourself. It doesn’t matter to anyone else how much you spent..and there’s always going to be someone out there who spent more than you did. If there’s some humble pie left over from Thanksgiving day, eating a big slice before or after you shop would be a wise move.
-Act Like A Dickhead At Your Local Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart is the undisputed king of Black Friday. Although that’s like bragging about having the most sports participation medals of anyone you know…they run with it. And the shoppers run with it too. People have literally gotten trampled at Wal-Mart fighting for deals…so if you’ve got to go to that unholy den, don’t be a dick. There’s no need to stiff arm someone out of the way so you can grab the last giant teddy bear or steal a parking spot out from under someone’s nose so you can get into the store just a little faster. Go in, get what you need, get out, and keep it pimpin’. No need to act like a tool.
-Ask Dumb Questions
Remember how we talked about being nice to employees up in the “do’s” section? Well one thing that you don’t want to do is ask a bunch of dumb questions. If you showed up at 5 PM, don’t bother asking if any of “those $200 tee-vees” are left. They’re obviously not. If you roll into a shoe store late and there aren’t any Aqua VIII’s sitting on the shelf (doubt that’s gonna happen, but hey..who knows?) don’t ask if there are any left. The employees have a lot to do in a limited window of time, so don’t take their time up asking questions that you could answer yourself if you put a little thought into them.
So there you have it. A quick list of Black Friday do’s and dont’s for you in case you need to brave the retail tundra today in the pursuit of deals. Please be polite and cordial to everyone you come across…and don’t get too wrapped up in the whole ordeal. It is just shopping after all.